It’s time to move 🙂
I’m a driven person.
I’m willing to work extra hard to pursue my goals. As a result, I have achieved things that I once didn’t even dare to dream of.
In the past 2 years, there is one particular thing that I’ve been wishing for. However, unlike any other dreams, this one seems so far away. I have tried several different attempts. I reached out to people who have gone through similar journey. I educate myself about this situation. I tried to figure out the path with many experts to no avail.
This is by far the simplest dream I’ve ever had, yet the most difficult to achieve.
I just want to be pain-free.
It was 3 AM there.
He woke up feeling very anxious and texted me right away, asking me if I was fine. I said yes, of course.
I’ve been trained to fake my condition after all.
“What a journey you’ve been through,” he said while walking towards my bedside, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
I smiled. Honestly, I didn’t expect that kind of greeting.
“I’m honored to serve you,” he smiled.
And that’s it. Those simple words left me speechless. I didn’t question anything like I usually did. I never trusted a doctor the way I trust him now.
Without hesitation, I put my life in his hands, believing that God will heal me through him.
I once told a friend that if cancer manages to come back, I might not want to fight again.
I’ve been enduring enough pain for the past 2 years after remission and it ain’t getting better. With that in mind, I just thought that death is not a really bad idea. After all, death would wipe out the pain and suffering, and the only thing left is peace.
This week has been tough.
I rubbed the lump in my abdomen this morning and I cringed. It’s getting more and more painful. I first noticed the existence of this lump around six months ago; it was just a small lump that didn’t hurt when I pressed. I went to my primary care physician (PCP) in the US and told her about it. She referred me to a radiologist who then conducted a USG test to see the structure.
The result came out as.. Continue reading “(Disturbing) Lump in My Abdomen”
I was so ready to undergo chemotherapy.
I was in touch with cancer fighters and survivors who kindly share their chemo process and side effects. I was well-informed about the ABVD-chemo procedure. I knew that I would suffer so much from chemo as soon as those toxic regiments dripped and ran through my vein. I was aware that I had to be isolated until I finished my chemo.
Once I was declared in remission and clear from cancer 6 months later, I immediately thought that I could regain my normal life. I was ready to be a survivor.
Or so I thought.
In fact, I was not. At all. Continue reading “What Hits Me Hard as A Survivor”
During my first two months of study in the US, I lost 7 friends to cancer. That’s nearly once every week. I learned the news through my cancer-fighter-and-survivor Whatsapp group.
I left the group immediately.
“The feel of fear took over. I didn’t know what’s gonna happen. I felt so much darkness and worry.”
I stumbled upon that excerpt from a piece of letter, written by a then-departed cancer fighter (peace be upon her). I could resonate with her feeling. Continue reading “In State of Fear and Hopelessness”
Had I known how my life goes after my chemo treatments end, I might have thought twice to fight.
Continue reading “Living A Post-Chemo Life”